The Long Winter #114
Paradise part four
Penny laid still the next morning. She could hear voices and movement somewhere else in the apartment, faint enough to not be intrusive. But her head was in agony. She began to move her hands to her face to rub some of it away but the rustle of the sheets was like the rough side of Velcro scraping across her brain. She squeezed her eyes shut and lay still, hoping she could fall back asleep and skip the sick day. But her stomach was all twisted up and her head, her head throbbed.
She pushed the sheets away and shivered as the cool air attacked her skin.
I don’t remember getting home last night…
They helped you shower, Marv told her. Don’t you remember? Katty and Rally came back with Becca, they held you over the toilet while you threw up and clean you up after—
Katty and Rally saw me naked?? Penny sat up and squinted against the bright morning sun streaming in through the windows. No one else was in the room.
No, they helped get you in the shower, and then Becca took care of you.
Oh. Oh, good. I’m relieved.
Penny let out a slow sigh and gathered what strength she could find before heaving herself to her feet. They hurt. Her knees shook and her arms were weak and it took all her effort not to fall on her way to her suitcase. She pulled out a pair of panties and a yanked a sundress over her head, not bothering to cinch the tie around her waist. She stumbled to the bathroom and stared at the toilet for a moment before deciding she did not need to throw up again. As her head cleared she could smell breakfast cooking (something spicy) and she sat down and relieved herself.
I think I’m starting to feel better.
She brushed her teeth, the lights still blaring in her head, and then limped into the rest of the condo, taking in its white tile floors and beige carpeting and fancy stone counters for what seemed like the first time. Becca noticed her first and rushed over to hug her.
“There you are!” She kissed her. “Oh, minty fresh, too! We were wondering how long you were going to sleep this morning!”
Penny glanced past her. Katty and Rally were busy in the kitchen preparing—
“What time is it?” Penny cringed at how her raspy voice echoed up from her burning throat through her aching head.
“Almost 10:30.”
“What time did we get back last night?”
“A little after 11.”
Penny nodded and accepted Becca’s help to a chair at the island separating the living room from the kitchen. She glanced over at the ocean, two people out on surfboards already, and felt better still.
“Here, you need this after last night’s adventure.” Katty set a glass of water and some aspirin in front of her.
“Thank you…”
“Was that the first time you got drunk?” Rally asked.
“No.” Penny glanced cautiously at Becca standing beside her, her hands on Penny’s shoulders. Something in her mind, something she could not remember, suggested danger at her closeness. “We drank wine together before.”
“But we never got that drunk,” Becca said, smiling down at her.
“No, I guess not.” She took the pills. “The last time I was this hungover was probably when I was in high school, the very first time I got drunk.”
“Oh really? I don’t think I’ve heard this story yet.”
Penny shook her head, laughing in embarrassment.
“There’s not much to tell. We had a heat wave. School got canceled and a boy at my school threw a big pool party.”
“Ah, I see,” Becca nodded knowingly at Rally and Katty. “Pool parties must bring that out in you.”
Penny shrugged. She remembered clearly dancing with Ayumi. The cheer girl had told her not to expect anything more than that. Of course it was a lie, Ayumi’s eyes were for Penny only from the moment they sat down together on the edge of the pool even before they danced together, and looking back she recognized the love that bloomed right in those first moments. Shame washed over her as she continued through that night, seeing Marv dancing with Momo, seeing herself trying to run away, letting Kari bring her back. And the pain of the following morning was similar to what she felt at this moment. The same headache. The same upset stomach. But confusion towards Becca. She looked up at her girlfriend and looked into her eyes as she talked about meeting Ayumi face-to-face that night two years ago. Becca smiled and hugged her.
“Well, you got through that just fine, so we’ll help you get through this, too!” She looked at their friends. “Ready yet?”
“Yeah, help us take it outside and we’ll eat on your fancy-as-hell balcony,” Rally said.
“This is a little bit nicer than our patio, isn’t it?” Katty said, taking plates out ahead of them.
“I liked your patio,” Penny said, hobbling after Becca with her glass of water in her trembling hands.
“They live in the apartment above their restaurant,” Becca said.
“It’s mighty convenient, but it makes it hard to get away,” Rally said. “Probably part of the reason I was so glad to stay here last night!”
Penny smiled at her but as she sat down her eyes went back to the surfers. The waves were not particularly big (rather like back home) and she longed to sit on a board and bob up and down for the afternoon. She could almost feel Taro beside her, and Dan-O laughing as he splashed around on his. And Ayumi, their knees brushing together as they pretended the previous summer would not end—
“Hey,” Becca was saying. “Hey, did you even wake up yet?”
Penny blinked and pulled back from Becca’s hand waving in front of her eyes.
“Sorry, I was… I was…” She glanced down at the surfers again, feeling like she was looking at days that would never come back. How do I feel so old right now?
“You’re a million miles away,” Rally said.
“What are you looking at down there?” Becca peered down in the same direction. “Those dudes on their boards? You surf, don’t you?”
“Yes. I love surfing.”
“You even surfed in the lake in November, didn’t you?”
“My professor came with me.”
“Your professor?” The other three girls laughed.
“She’s an old friend of the family. The Institute has boards and wetsuits and, well, I was glad to be able to do it up there and I didn’t miss it so much.”
“That’s insane,” Rally shook her head. “Surfing up there in November? That’s insane.”
“You never liked the cold,” Becca said. “But there’s something about it, it lets you know you’re alive.”
“Yes!” Penny said, the clouds clearing from her vision. “Yes, exactly! I can feel alive in the cold. I liked that the water was not salty, too. But if I can surf here, too…” She looked down at the ocean again.
“Two to three foot swells today,” Katty said. “That’s usually the best you get, if you even get that at this time of year.”
“It’s a little better from July,” Rally said. “And if there’s a hurricane out there…”
“I don’t want to surf in huge waves,” Penny said. She took her first bite of breakfast and almost passed out again. So much flavor, just a perfect blend of spices, the eggs were perfectly cooked, the meat impeccably charred and the bread, oh it was all so delicious. Her head was no longer pounding quite so badly and sounds and lights felt far less harsh. “Huge waves can bounce your board off your face and break your nose or give you a concussion. I don’t understand how they can surf in Hawaii, that looks crazy, waves so big they can swallow you whole. That’s crazy.”
“Those big fuckin’ swells you were surfing up in Lake Superior weren’t crazy huge?” Becca laughed at her. “It seems to me like you’re selling yourself short!”
“They weren’t so big on the lake!” Penny protested. “It’s just, those HUGE ocean waves are so, like, terrifying…”
“Heh, I knew you were a coward at heart.”
“I’m scared of many things,” Penny turned her nose up at Becca. “So maybe I am a coward. It’ll keep me alive longer, and less hurt.”
Katty laughed. “I’ve never met a PMer who wasn’t brave, and you are no coward. You came to the US for school by yourself, and came down here for an internship. That’s plenty brave.”
They smiled and she thanked Katty for her kind words and then they talked about their plans for the rest of the day. Katty and Rally had their staff preparing for the day, but they were going to be closing that night. Penny wanted to go surfing but had no board and no money to buy or rent a board (especially after spending what little she had left on her new bikini and the pool party cover charge and the drinks there) and Becca was ready to spend a quiet afternoon at home.
Katty and Rally took their leave after helping with the dishes and then Penny set about helping Becca settle into their new condo. They went shopping for groceries (“I can’t afford to eat out every day!” Penny said). They finally unpacked their suitcases. They did laundry. And in the evening they sat down on the balcony and watched people playing and relaxing down below. Even while it had been a pleasant way to spend their day, she still felt a nagging at the back of her mind that something was wrong, that she had made a terrible mistake that summer. Ingrid’s warning to her floated through her mind and she had a moment of regret about not going back to France instead. She had chosen Becca, and Becca had been wonderful and loving all winter after their fight. But maybe it was just the alcohol. Maybe it made Penny stupid and frightened of everything. She looked back out at the ocean and tried to feel renewed.
“This place is amazing,” Penny said. “I’m so grateful to be here.”
“I’m glad you came down with me,” Becca said, squeezing her hand.
Penny smiled and pulled her hand away. “Even though I’m a coward?”
Becca’s smile did not falter. She moved to Penny’s chair and squeezed herself down into the chair half on Penny’s lap.
“I got too drunk last night, too,” Becca said, her hand soft on Penny’s face. “I’m just glad I could help you get cleaned up and in bed. And also that we were able to get you to the bathroom before you threw up.”
“I’m sorry.” Penny looked away.
“Well, I’m glad you are. Maybe you’ll think about this the next time we’re out drinking. You won’t get so drunk. It’s good we’re together, you know, it’s good you have me with you to take care of you.”
Penny nodded.
“I don’t remember last night so well,” she said. “It makes me kind of scared.”
“You don’t have to be scared.”
“But I am. I’m scared for the rest of the summer. I’m not so good at being a dance-club type of girl. There were so many people there, and I drank so much.”
“We just need to keep track of how much you’re drinking…”
“But also when we went out that first night…”
“If you don’t want to go out we won’t go out.”
“But you like going out.”
“I don’t need to go out.”
“But we should. You have friends. They’ll want to see you. I should just get used to it. I should control myself.”
“You just rely on me. I’ll take care of you, just like I’ve been doing.”
Penny nodded. Becca’s hands were on her face. She tried not to think about being slapped that first night. Becca smiled down at her, kissed her.
“I like your hair longer,” she said, smoothing her hands up through Penny’s hair. She had not had it cut since January and it was down past her chin. “It’s very cute.”
“I liked it shorter, but—“
“Of course you’re adorable no matter what you do, but I like it longer. Then when it’s longer you can pull it up, we can curl it, all sorts of things.”
“Yes…”
Becca kissed her again, then rested her cheek on Penny’s forehead.
“Or you can go get it cut and be adorable that way, too. You should feel how you want to feel, don’t worry about my feelings.”
Penny’s body winced at the accusation in Becca’s voice. She wondered if she imagined it. She hugged Becca back, smelling her scent mingled with the warm ocean air. And she decided.
“I’ll cut it. But I’ll be better when we go out. I’ll try not to embarrass you again.”
Becca laughed and kissed her forehead.
“I love you, Penny.”
“I love you, too, Becca.” Penny felt shame well up in her heart as she added in her head, Even if you hurt me.
Follow The Long Winter into #115 A Fresh Start part one here.