The Long Winter #31
Fortunate Daughter part three
Leaves blew across the ground, dry and crisp like the cold air itself. Delaney huddled into her jacket and once again threw the end of her scarf over her shoulder. Or was it a muffler? That is what Nadine called it. Right? She was glad at least that her woolen hat kept her hair from blowing all over the place. If only it was big enough for her to crawl into to hide away from the rest of the world.
“Oh my god, Del, did you see this one? Here, look at this one—“
And of course Nadine was obsessed with the weekend’s big scandal. A scandal that Delaney was at the center of. She pretended to watch the next video Nadine had found, another intertwining of Penny and her ex-girlfriend from high school. And Nadine laughed and pointed out the nerdy way the half-Asian girl moved, the awkward way her hips shook, and just how much more graceful the other girl was. Nadine had no name for that girl but raved about how much hotter she was than Penny, how much more beautiful. And Delaney did her best to stare through it without seeing it. She let Nadine talk and talk. Eventually she would get bored with it. Delaney took a deep breath as they walked through campus. She could get through it.
“Hey.”
Delaney stopped and looked over to see another girl approaching. She was slim and had short blonde hair and impeccably chosen clothes that made her eyes that much bluer and more enticing. The girl’s curt greeting cut Nadine’s jabbering to an end.
“Who are you?” Nadine asked. The girl ignored her, her brilliant blue eyes locking on Delaney and she strode right up to the heartbroken girl.
“I heard about the weekend. She’s your girlfriend?”
“Ex-girlfriend.” Nadine’s loud voice bubbled over with annoyance.
“What’s your name?” Delaney asked.
“I’m Shawn. I heard it was a revenge porn thing. Is that true?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I’m an interested party.”
“Like a reporter for the school paper?”
“I am a reporter for the school paper, but I’m not here in that capacity. I want to get in contact with the victim. Can you connect me to her?”
“I just broke up with her—“
“I didn’t ask you to personally introduce me to her.”
“Well, why are you so interested?”
“Because—“ Shawn stopped and glanced at Nadine. “Is there somewhere you and I could go to talk? Maybe I can help the both of you out.”
Delaney looked at Nadine.
“Fine. But don’t you dare ditch out on Sammy and me tonight.”
“I’ll be there, I promised.”
“Great, see you later.”
Nadine smiled at Delaney but frowned at Shawn before walking away. Shawn glanced up at Delaney and then jerked her head away from Nadine. The wind blew again and they set off.
“I had no idea you were part of the community,” Shawn said.
“What community?”
“What do you mean what community? You’re a lesbian.”
Delaney glanced at her as they walked.
“You are. Even if you’re still inexplicably interested in the males.”
“You said you wanted to get in contact with Penny.”
“That’s her. That’s her name. I know she’s friends with Ashley Rosedale, but that’s no good for me.”
“Ashley Rosedale?”
“One of the girls at Gravenreuth. So far as I can tell the only other one who’s out besides this Penny of yours.”
Delaney frowned at her again.
“Oh. That’s right. You two broke up.”
Delaney sighed through her nose. It was a mistake to share her walk with Nadine, and perhaps it was a mistake to give this Shawn a chance, too.
“Look, if you and your ex-girlfriend are out, you could really do yourselves some good by mixing in with the rest of us. We all sort of look out for each other. Things like what happened at that sorority party—“ Shawn’s expression darkened when she said that, “—don’t happen at our get-togethers. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily preclude drama, but—“
“I’m sorry, are you inviting me to a party? Me and Penny?”
Shawn fell quiet as they walked.
“It is a little weird,” Delaney said. “I mean, I think I’ve seen you on campus before so you’re not exactly a stranger, but this is a little weird.”
“I knew I was going to come on too strong. It’s my gift and my curse.”
They continued walking together. Shawn guided her off the campus and down a tree-lined street. Cars were parked on both sides of the street. Leaves blew past. The houses were large and close together, a once-wealthy neighborhood of lawyers and doctors converted into student housing full of rentals. Delaney wondered how close together they lived, if in fact they were heading towards Shawn’s house. Delaney’s was not far from where they walked.
“Do you know the story behind the videos?” Shawn asked.
Delaney shook her head. It was enough to have seen them.
“The boy who made the videos recorded them in secret. He uploaded them behind their backs and was arrested. Apparently he paid a large fine and spent a week in jail and was not allowed back into his old high school.”
“How do you know all this?”
“Some of it’s public record. Some of it’s just knowing the right people and being able to put the story together. I should be honest. I am a journalism major, but I’m not working on this as a story for the school paper.”
“So they didn’t make those themselves…” Delaney pursed her lips and sighed through her nose. And she had broken up with the half-Asian girl right there. It was too much. Too much far too soon. Despite nearly two months of intimacy the videos were too much to see. “She'll never feel that way about me.”
“What? What way?”
“You haven't seen the videos? They're everywhere. I'm going to have to meet up with my friends later, and you saw Nadine. She doesn't talk about anything else. But when you watch them you can clearly see how much Penny loved Ayumi.”
“Ayumi. The other girl?”
Delaney bit her lower lip and looked at Shawn out of the corner of her eye.
“That's fine. The name will remain between you and I. And your Penny, I suppose. They were sexy, in a superficial sort of way. I suppose I should expect no less from a shallow, pretty girl like you.”
Delaney made an offended sound from the back of her throat and stopped.
“Dammit. Once again, I am too forward. Too strong. We're not friends yet, but we will be.”
“How? You're going to insult me into friendship or something? I'm depressed and I know I hurt Penny and it kills me to know it, but I can't change anything. I can't change how I feel and I can’t change what I saw, but I know I shouldn't have to put up with this.”
“I said I was sorry.” Shawn's blue eyes were hard and cold. Delaney was unable to look away. She guessed the shorter girl was sincere, or rather she was honest to a fault. She had been so far.
“I suppose I should simply accept your apology.”
“You could do worse than that.” Shawn put her hand on Delaney's arm and set her in motion again. “Look, I won't promise I'll ever be sweet sugar and spice like perhaps this Penny of yours is, but I'm not the sort to mistreat one of my own.”
“And that would be lesbians.”
“Of course. Kids at the Institute don't like that sort of identity-driven politics, but someone's got to look out for us. If we don't help each other the breeders sure won't. Now, can you put me in contact with your Penny or not?”
“No. I told her I needed time, and I do. It's only been a few days, not nearly enough time.”
“You think she betrayed you?”
“No. And before you ask, I don't think she was leading me on, either. She just wasn't—I mean, I don't think she'd admit it, but maybe I was just a rebound for her. Like I said, she loved that Ayumi. And maybe she still does.”
“Poor her. Doubly so for you. I'll bet you made a superficially attractive couple. Some boys were doubtlessly masturbating to you.”
“Thanks for your honesty.”
“Indeed.”
Shawn stopped in front of a house three blocks south of the campus. There were three cars parked on the side of a double-wide drive that ran alongside the building and wrapped around the back. An oak tree stood proudly in the front yard, its leaves hiding the weedy lawn. One of the windows was open and a skinny girl in a sports bra was sitting in the frame smoking a cigarette. She looked down at the two of them and stuck her middle finger out at Shawn. Shawn smiled, an expression as cold and distant as her blue eyes were piercing, and then turned back to Delaney.
“This is me. Let's exchange numbers and you should call me when you're done with your breeder business tonight. Call me. Text me. Email me. Whatever. If there's anything you need, short of piles of cash, I'll see what I can do about arranging it for you. And perhaps we can accidentally run into your Penny, hopefully before she becomes a legend among the others in our community.”
Delaney nodded and they exchanged info and then Shawn was walking up the short path to her house. The door opened before she reached the porch and a hefty girl in filthy too-tight clothes staggered out.
“Who the fuck is that? New meat?”
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
Shawn glared at her as they passed and Delaney stepped onto the grass as the girl barreled towards her. The girl snorted, an appropriately pig-like reaction, and Delaney looked up, catching Shawn's eyes as she stepped up onto the porch. They waved at each other and Delaney sighed and continued walking home. Nadine or Sammy would pick her up. Then she could get her car after their dinner. And maybe, just maybe, she would call Shawn afterwards.
***
“Well, it's not like I was in love with you or anything.”
Delaney squirmed and poked at her pasta. Sammy's voice was morose as he sat across from her, and Nadine, with a wink and a prod, shoved them out of her dorm room on their first “date” together. Delaney swirled some spaghetti noodles around her fork and nodded.
“It just, well, I don't know. I hate that Nadine ditched out on us tonight. She should be here, too. This is way too awkward.”
“It's fine, Sammy.”
“Is it? Because it seems like it isn't. Maybe I should have been more realistic. I know a girl like you would never have gone for a guy like me in the first place. I mean, not even considering this new information about you. Maybe I should have been more realistic, maybe I should have lowered my expectations.”
“There's nothing wrong with you, Sammy.”
“Isn't there? It feels like there is. I haven't gone on a single successful date since I've been up here. Sometimes it feels like you and Nadine only hang out with me out of pity.”
“Well, maybe there is something wrong with you.”
He looked up at her and frowned.
“No girl, or rather maybe no one, likes a whiner. We've been friends since almost the first day of school together. I don't like to see you like this, you know? And I met someone new today who seems to think that brutal honesty is a virtue, so I want to try it with you. I think you trust me.”
“I do. Or rather, I did.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“Well, if what Nadine says about you is true you've been lying to us this whole time. I guess that's sort of the point I wanted to make.”
Delaney looked back down at her food. She pulled her fork out of the pasta and chose a new pile to prod. He did not smile at her when she showed up on campus Monday morning. He did not smile at her when they sat down for lunch that week. He talked to her only through Nadine, and Nadine thrived on the injection of drama the previous weekend had provided. Then she engineered this dinner between Delaney and Sammy and Sammy then spent the entire evening pouting. And she wanted to be honest but it was true she had kept her interest in girls hidden from everyone. At least until she saw Penny on her own ill-fated date. Something about her manner in the restaurant that night gave Delaney the courage to face it. If only Delaney had kept ahold of that courage. Instead, it had evaporated away, their relationship a brief afternoon thunderstorm in the middle of summer and now she was a puddle disappearing under the unforgiving sun.
“I'm sorry,” she said. “You're right about me. I am a liar. I'm a coward, too.”
“Well, this new honesty is refreshing,” the boy muttered around his pasta.
“It's, well, I mean, I have a weird history with…”
Delaney set her fork down and glanced around. The restaurant, well, more of a cafe, really, was open and airy, with big windows across the front and occupied glass-top wrought iron tables scattered between those windows and the counter with the kitchen behind it. No one seemed to be paying attention to the young not-a-couple, but Delaney still lowered her voice and leaned a little over her pasta.
“I had an idea about my sexuality in high school. My friends and I, well, it's so embarrassing to talk about in public, but our experiences led me to believe this is what I am. Then I asked Penny out—”
“You asked her out?”
Delaney cringed as his exclamation drew several pairs of eyes and he lowered his voice.
“You pursued her? This girl must be something special.”
“You saw her.”
“She's pretty, I guess. Not really my type.”
Delaney frowned at him. How could the exotic mixed-race girl from an exciting foreign country not be everyone's type? Everyone at that party had certainly appeared interested in her. Or perhaps they were only interested in her humiliation…
“Regardless,” Delaney said, frowning, “I wouldn't be able to be honest with myself without her. Maybe I'd never date anyone ever again.”
“That seems a shame. You're kind of a hottie.”
“How kind of you to say.”
“It's a shame you're gay.” Sammy began pouting again.
“Rather better for you I lie to myself, or keep lying to myself, and fake being happy for someone else's benefit. Maybe, say, yours?”
Sammy sighed and set his own fork down. He glanced up, caught the server's eye, and held his empty wine glass up. The server nodded and vanished into the kitchen.
“I'm getting totally fucking drunk tonight,” he grumbled.
“Don't be so hard on yourself.”
“Easy for you to say—”
“No!”
Delaney almost choked on the word and wrestled her voice back under control. She took another cautious glance around. A couple, probably a real couple, at the next table had stopped their conversation and were paying intense attention to her and Sammy while failing to appear as though they were not. She was grateful when the server arrived with the wine bottle and she left it on the table for the pair to split.
“No,” she said again, her voice wavering. “None of this is easy for me. I mean, put yourself in my position. Say you were dating a wonderful girl. Let's imagine she was everything you were hoping for, but there was something inaccessible about her. Maybe it makes her exciting, or a little mysterious. You only know a little about where she came from, and every time you meet you find out a little more, but only enough to make you wonder about the rest. Then you get a huge part of her story dumped on you in the middle of a party and everyone laughs at you and her about it, and everything the two of you were ever going to be shatters into a million pieces and nothing can ever be the same as it was.”
Sammy sipped his wine and nodded.
“That's it? Just a nod?”
“What do you want from me? You're sort of describing you and I minus the relationship.”
Delaney frowned at him.
“Oh, you think you're still only a victim here. Well, imagine not knowing one of your best friends until you accidentally stumble into her with a surprise “friend” everyone can tell is not a friend at all, but something more. Nadine told me she told you I really liked you last year. I thought I did the honorable thing by ignoring those feelings when you appeared not interested in me that way. Who wants to be around a creepy guy like that? I guess it's kind of selfish of me, but I can't help but feel like this is like a big “fuck you” to me, too. Like, you couldn't trust me with this part of yourself. But at least I know why you were never interested in going out with me.”
Delaney bit back tears.
“Ugh. I hate alcohol. I hate how honest it makes you. It's making me say things I'd rather not say that are making you hate me. I'm a piece of shit.”
Delaney stopped herself from nodding in agreement. His last monologue had certainly not done him any favors, but he had not yet said anything truly regrettable. She only hoped that would remain constant through the end of dinner.
“I'm—”
“So you're a lesbian,” he said. “I'm glad.” He straighened up and smiled at her. “I'm happy for you.” He reached out and poured her a glass of wine. “Honestly, this is the most ridiculous conversation I've ever had. I'm not a selfish asshole, I want to think that what I just said wasn't really what's in my heart but a childish reaction to a pretty shocking revelation about you. So here. Let's toast to this new, or rather, this true you. No sense in hiding it anymore.”
“A toast?” She reached for her glass.
“Yes. Before I lose my nerve and the glass gets heavy.”
She lifted hers up and they clinked them together and although he sipped his she downed hers in one long pull that burned her throat and made her eyes water. He poured her more after she set her glass down but instead she picked up her fork.
“I'm not pathetic,” he said between bites of his pasta. “Maybe I am kind of a loser, but I don't think I'm pathetic.”
“Really, if you were I'm not sure I'd hang out with you.”
He laughed. It was refreshing to see his smile again.
“But if you want help getting laid—”
“I want a relationship. If all I wanted was to get laid there are apps to help me.”
She laughed. It felt so good after the arduous week and Nadine's endless chatter about her ex-girlfriend's videos.
“What I wanted to say,” Delaney continued, “was that I'll help you out. Not personally, Penny cured me of going out with boys, but I think I can help you.”
He nodded and they clinked glasses again. Downing her second glass and staring at the third one being poured she wondered what Shawn would think of being drunk dialed that night.
Follow The Long Winter into #32 Fortunate Daughter part four here.