The Long Winter #33
Fortunate Daughter part five
As easy as it was to memorize his friends’ schedules at the beginning of the school year, it had just as easily become difficult to figure out where anyone was at any given moment. Except Penny. She dealt with her devastating humiliation by doubling down on her work, refusing to alter her routine by even a single step. Even her weird friendship with Clark’s girlfriend Sandra seemed to have always been a natural part of her life. They went to that defense ass-kicking class three nights a week like they had been going their whole lives. If Sandra was not so adamantly anti-gay he would start getting jealous of the time the pair was spending together.
He had no reason to worry about them. Nor about Maddie, who had also begun making herself scarce. No. This was about Leah. He had never known anyone to disappear so completely (at least besides his mom between the birth of his younger brother and her emergence as her generation’s “greatest actress”). And just when it had seemed his friends were solidifying that fateful party happened and she simply vanished.
But he knew when she was supposedly in class. And he knew through Sandra that Penny was hurt by the whole thing. Of course he had to learn through Sandra. Penny did not avoid him exactly (she had not changed her routine, after all), but she did not seek him out, either. And something about the way she acted around him he could tell she needed some space. He could not help but watch the screen at that party. And he could tell she felt too exposed around them all. So he spoke to her via text or through Sandra and that was good enough for the time being. That was why Leah became so important. What Leah did affected Penny profoundly, and likely vice versa. If he could somehow spur the pair to reconcile he was certain things would be more normal again. Or rather, at least as normal as they could be at Gravenreuth.
Clark waited in a sterile-feeling hallway in Hampton Labs watching the classroom doors in as nonchalant a way as possible. He swiped through his phone for a few guilty minutes. He switched to a textbook and leafed through some notes for a few more unproductive minutes. Then he sighed and leaned his head back against the wall and scowled at each of the heavy metal doors in turn. He should not have come. He should not be trying to do what he was trying to do. He was not a subtle man. And this felt like a delicate operation. Something Penny might enjoy. She liked all that spy shit, he was sure of it. She had a mind for it, too. But there he sat instead, trying to do what she was better suited for. He sighed.
A door opened and several students he recognized from the dorm spilled out. Two husky boys wearing classes with bad haircuts walked by first, not even sparing him a glance. There were no girls in that class following them out, just an endless stream of males. He felt like he was watching sausage being squeezed out of its machine. Another door opened as he pulled his text up before him and she was the first one in the hall. He imagined her sitting as close as she could to the exit to make her hasty retreat. Before she was past him his book was in his bag. She did not notice him rise to his feet nor rush up behind her and fall in step beside her. He cleared his throat.
“Oh. It’s you.” She barely glanced at him, then pulled out her phone.
“Yo, what’s going on between you and Penny?”
“Nothing. Surely you’ve gleaned that information from your girlfriend.”
“Come on. We need to talk.”
She glowered at him and kept her pace up. He had the distinct impression she was trying to outrun him. Joke was on her, though, his legs were a lot longer and he was not tired.
“Leah, stop.”
“I’m busy. I thought I had given everyone the impression I am too busy for any further socialization this semester.”
“You’re definitely giving me a certain impression right now,” Clark grumbled as she shoved her way through the doorway into the stairwell.
“What is it you must say, Clark?”
“It’s weird to hear you call me by my real name.”
She stopped on a landing to glare at him.
“What?”
“Is this a sex thing?”
“No. Is sex the biggest thing on your mind right now?”
She turned away and ran the rest of the way down the stairs. He followed her out into the icy cold wind. It struck them like a physical thing and she struggled to move forward. He stepped close to her and put his arm on her shoulders and she tried to shrug away but the wind hit her harder and she stumbled. He caught her and she surrendered, letting him guide her back to the dorm. They stepped up onto the deck and walked the length of it to the women’s quarters entrance. Once inside the too-warm stairwell she stepped back from him and looked away, her eyes falling out of focus on a spot somewhere beyond the outer corner of the building.
“Come on, Leah. I know what happened was bad, but—“
“Then you know nothing and this is a waste of time, both yours and mine. I need to study.” She made no move away from him. The stairwell remained quiet.
“We should go somewhere. You need to talk.”
“I don’t.”
He touched her elbow and she fell in beside him, climbing to the second floor. They walked down the hall. Past her room. Past Penny and Maddie’s. They walked down into the airy common room and past their disinterested classmates. His roommate would be gone, he knew. She must have known it, too. They finished their silent march in front of his room and he glanced down at her. Her face was still, but her eyes were glassy. He wondered if he was about to make her cry. What would Sandra think if he caught the two of them like this? He put the thought aside and showed her in, and further across the suite to his bedroom. He shut the door behind him and they sat on the edge of his bed with the Lake roaring in the background.
“I hate you, Clark.”
He raised his eyebrows, but did not look at her.
“You should have let me finish out the semester. I hate you for this.”
“If you really wanted me to leave you alone you’d have definitely left me in the stairwell instead of following me up here.”
“You gave me no choice. I’m here because you made me. I hate you.”
She fell quiet. He thought about reaching out and touching her shoulder, but kept his hands at his sides. He was not that familiar with her, plus he was still dating her roommate. Instead he took a deep breath and spoke.
“You need to talk to someone. Something happened to you just as bad as what happened to Penny.”
“Don’t bring her up.”
“It has to be done. What happened to you at Halloween?”
“Nothing you need to concern yourself with.”
“If that was true you wouldn’t be here. Out with it, Leah. What happened?”
She finally looked up at him. He blinked in surprise at the pain her eyes, how haunted she looked, a strong enough emotion even he could see it. Her shoulders had come up and she clutched her backpack before her like she might need to escape at any moment. This time he did reach out and touch her shoulder. She felt small and frail. Much different from the other girls in his life.
“Mason is a vindictive, abusive boy,” she said. “He showed up at that party to hurt me. He said he wants to keep hurting me. He took me to his house after the thing, a house I assume he just bought up here to be able to show up whenever he wants, and he insulted me and pushed me around and kicked me out. I was drunk. I stumbled home, but I didn’t know where I was exactly and I wandered around the University for an hour or so before I finally found the Institute.”
“Why not go to the cops?”
“Mason is not someone you file a complaint to the cops about. He can afford any fine and hire enough lawyers to beat any charge. He was always a bully when we were growing up. He liked to say I was ugly and stupid, but I worked hard and got in here and now he calls me pretty.”
“You did this because of him?”
“No. Mostly I did this for myself, because this, being here working hard, is what I wanted, but maybe, yes, partially because of my mom and a little bit because of him. And maybe a little bit because of Tyler, my high school boyfriend.”
“You’ve mentioned him before. He sounds like an asshole.”
She closed her eyes. Tears spilled out but she neither shook nor sniffled.
“I feel so horrible for what happened to Penny. I want to disappear, and I want to be able to take all her pain with me. I hate myself.”
“Well, you can’t exactly do either—“
“Can’t I? Maybe I can’t erase what happened to her, what Mason did, but I can certainly remove myself from her life. She can go on living and be happy knowing I won’t be there to screw up her life any more. It’s neat. It’s simple.”
“Leah, come on, she’s not mad at you—“
“She hates me. And she should. It’s my fault what happened. If I wasn’t in her life Mason wouldn’t have even met her, let alone recognized her. He was only ever up here because of me. It’s all my fault, Clark. What happened to her was all my fault.”
Clark fought the rage-fueled strength coursing through his hand on Leah’s shoulder. If only the crowd had not bought into it. He could have delivered justice unto this Mason’s face right there at the party. But the drunken crowd made any rationality impossible, it swallowed it up with its fervor, its lust, its desire to humiliate his friend, and hurt another.
“This is all Mason’s fault.”
“Mine. It’s—“
“You’re not the evil fuck this guy is,” Clark said, pulling Leah around to face him. “You’re not the reason this evil shit happened. It’s all him. All his actions. All his liability.”
“And he wouldn’t even be up here if I wasn’t. I bear some of the blame, Clark. I have to, and I hate myself for it but there’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry. Penny deserves a better friend. You all do. I’m horrible. I should…” She looked away from him and her voice cracked. “I shouldn’t even be alive.”
“Leah—“
“It’s true. The things I did to Tyler, Mason threatened me with them. And I gave in. I let him win. And then he said he was going to tell everyone anyway. My brother says he hasn’t, but he will. I know him.”
“This evil scumbag—“
“You don’t know him. None of you do.”
“Well, we all saw what he’s capable of.”
She nodded.
“Hey. Listen. We’re still your friends. All of us—“
“Not Penny. She hates me.”
“No—“
“She hates me! She hates you, too. I know she’s avoiding you.”
“Well, I can understand why it’s a little awkward, but—“
“And if that was you on that screen? Or Sandra? Or… or Maddie…” Leah looked away again. “Mason’s not magic, he didn’t make those movies or anything. He recognized her and took advantage of it. Because of me—“
“No, he took advantage of you. He’s an evil fuck, Leah, and evil fucks don’t like to take responsibility. That’s a big reason he chose you. You’re innocent in this—“
“You’re wrong. I’m not.” She stopped and drew a deep breath. “Maybe you’re a little bit right, maybe I’m not completely guilty for what happened to Penny. But a little bit I am, because what I did gave him what he needed to do what he did. I made it possible.”
“I don’t know—“
“I do. I’ve thought a lot about this. I thought about it endlessly when I was drunk that night, and the clearer my head got the next day the clearer my guilt became. When what happens next happens, it’s going to be because I brought it upon myself, and nothing in your Gorilla-man arsenal will be able to stop it.”
“That sounds… I don’t know, Leah. What happened to you?”
She blinked at him.
“I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I know I’m not your favorite person in the world. But you should talk to someone. I think you know who I’m insinuating you should talk to.”
She took another deep breath. He was amazed at how steady she was despite the tears running down her raw, red cheeks. She pulled her glasses off and cleaned them. Once they were back on she looked back up at him.
“I’m not ready.”
“Well—“
“I will be. Soon. Eventually.”
He nodded and took his hand from her shoulder. He thought she looked a little disappointed when he did but the moment was over so quickly he thought it was just a flash of his imagination after having witnessed bare feelings he had no idea were churning inside her. She stood.
“I’ll talk to her. I can’t promise we’ll straighten things out, but I’ll try.”
“That’s the least I can ask for.”
She nodded and looked at him and smiled. Then she turned and left his room. He wondered how much more time she needed. However long it was he resolved to give it to her. She deserved that much, at least.
Follow The Long Winter into Fortunate Daughter part six here.