The Long Winter #46
Just Friends part two
“I think your boyfriend has been avoiding me.”
Sandra lifted her head from the thick green rug she shared with Penny to give her PMer friend a quick glare.
“I know he’s been avoiding you.”
Sandra’s head fell back to the rug. Penny sighed, barely audible over the pounding rain on the slanted metal roof. It had been raining steadily since they arrived two days prior. They had not surfed. They had not climbed a mountain. They had not jumped out of an airplane. They sat on their little seaside porch for most of two days and watched the rain hammer away at the island. They could see little else, it was so heavy. Even the beach mere meters away was lost in the driving rain. On this afternoon they sprawled on their backs on the rug beside the king-size bed they shared.
“He might break up with me,” Sandra said.
“Over this?”
“Well…” Sandra rolled over and poked the bottom of Penny’s foot. “I started a pretty good fight with him the day I left for Christmas break.”
“That tickles.”
“He made some comment about you and me going on this trip and I didn’t feel like letting it go.”
***
Sandra glanced around Clark’s room. The boys had the same black and blue bedspreads and sheets and pillows as the girl, complete with the Institute logo stitched into the comforter. His suitcase sat beside his door. His roommate (who Sandra had never once seen nor whose name she even knew) was already gone, of course. And Clark stood there in the doorway to his bedroom where the pair had spent considerable quality time in a full-on sulk.
“I’m glad you don’t look cheerful to say goodbye to me,” Sandra said with a smirk.
“Why would I be sad? I’ll be in France and you’ll be on some beach with a bitch.”
“Right.”
“Right.” Clark sighed and scrubbed his hands through his hair. “I’m supposed to trust you two together like this. But I was thinking, would I trust Bart out there with you? On some tropical beach, getting drunk at night, what are you two going to be doing together? And I emphasize together.”
“Whatever, Clark. I’m as straight as straight can be.”
They glared at each other. Clark opened his mouth but Sandra was quicker with a sneer and matching words.
“But you know, she’s super cute. Who knows how curious about her I’ll become?”
“Sandra, you bitch. You’re supposed to reassure me, not be a bitch about it. What the hell, seriously?”
“Don’t be such a baby. I like Penny a lot, she’s become a good—a great friend to me up here. I’d trust her with just about anything. I thought you did, too.”
“I did! I mean, I do. It’s just that—”
“That she’s gay and you’re wondering if I’m one of those girls who’s in denial about who she really is.”
“I am not—”
“Or maybe you’re wondering if she’s going to try and get me to switch, what’s the term? Teams? Whatever. Like I said, don’t be a baby.”
And Clark pouted. Sulking once again, he stalked around his room, his heavy footfalls thumping through the suite. He scrubbed his hands through his hair. He glared out the window at the flurries, he glared at her, he shoved his hands in his pockets and then finally he was facing her again, the glare replaced by a sort of anxious frown.
“I’m not a baby.”
“Yes. You’re an adult. I thought you could act like one, but this looks like a temper tantrum to me.”
“Whatever. It is not. I’m not throwing a fucking temper tantrum.”
“Aren’t you looking forward to seeing your mom again? Or to living it up in France? There’s a little part of me that’s jealous of that too, you gigantic asshole.”
“Fuck you, Sandra. There’s no way I’m introducing you to my mom.”
“Maybe I should just go—“
“I mean, you don’t know anything about her. I haven’t even seen her in like 20 years.”
Sandra’s expression went flat. “You’re 19.”
“Whatever. You know what? Maybe we need this time away from each other. Maybe we need a break.”
“A break? Just a break.”
Clark’s eyes narrowed at her.
“I never asked for this,” Sandra said, crossing her arms. “I came over to say goodbye and tell you to have a fun trip—“
“Oh, so you just wanted to order me around!”
Sandra’s teeth ground together and she sighed through her nose.
“Fine. I’m sort of sorry. But I’m still suspicious as hell. I figure (just now, on the spot, spur of the moment) that if we’re on a break and anything happens neither of us can be jealous of the other.”
“So a temporary breakup?”
“I never said breakup.”
“Just a break.”
Clark nodded, his lips set in a resolute line. Sandra sighed again, rolled her eyes, and nodded back.
“Fine. Just a break. But I’m not fucking Penny no matter what’s going on in that filthy imagination of yours.”
And with that she spun and strode out of the room.
***
“I’m sorry,” Penny said, wiggling her toes as Sandra continued to prod her feet.
“It’s not your fault. I guess it is a stupid thing to do, bring you with me like this.”
“I thought it was nice. I still feel kind of bad about it.”
“This is my dad’s friend’s island. It’s not costing anything beyond the plane.”
“What about the staff? I mean—“
“Year-round they’re paid to be here whether we come here or not.”
Penny sat up and glanced around. They were on the floor of a little hut. The bathroom was encased in glass through which Penny ogled Sandra when she took her shower the previous two nights, and through which she could only hope Sandra was ogling her in return. The rest of the hut was furnished with a huge bed, a TV attached to the wall, several lush potted plants and flowers, and the space they laid: the rug in the middle of a collection of fine furniture that opened out onto a teak deck with the storm beyond.
“It must be nice to be able to live here year-round. I’ll bet there are some sunny days sometimes they can enjoy.”
Sandra sighed, a loud sigh meant to be totally audible over the downpour.
“Have you ever been this far south?” Penny asked.
“No. I’ve been to Florida and Baja a few times, but my family stays around the Great Lakes. My dad’s real boring. He likes sleeping in his own bed.”
“There’s something to be said for your own bed.”
Sandra chuckled and rolled her eyes at Penny.
“You would say that,” the brunette said, sitting up and smiling sardonically at her friend.
“The rain should stop eventually, neh? I mean, it can’t rain here the whole ten days, can it?”
“It shouldn’t be able to.”
“Why don’t we go play in it?”
Sandra’s eyes sparkled.
“It’ll be fun! Like an adventure, neh?”
“An adventure, for sure!”
The two girls laughed and rushed out the wide doors and across the deck. They squealed with delight as they dove into the downpour. Big, warm drops immediately soaked them, they ran down the short walkway from the deck to the beach. Their feet told them when they hit sand and then they were up to their knees in roiling surf.
“This isn’t as fun as I imagined!” Penny squinted at Sandra. No amount of swiping could keep the rain from her eyes.
“This is amazing!” Sandra shouted back. “Look at the waves! I’ll bet that’s amazing to surf in!”
“I wouldn’t surf in that! You’ll hit a wave the wrong way and your board will jump up at you and break your nose!”
Sandra laughed, but her hand raised to her face and she gingerly touched her nose.
“One time when I was out I fell off and the board hit the back of my head. I puked out half the ocean when I came out!”
“You’ve almost died a whole bunch of times!”
“It’s less fun than you’re imagining!”
Sandra laughed and jumped into the ocean.
“Sandra!”
The brunette vanished into the rain. The ocean roared in Penny’s ears.
“Sandra! Come back!”
She groped around, unsure of where the hut was, unable to find her friend.
“Sandra!”
“Right here!”
Sandra popped up behind Penny and wrapped her arms around the half-Asian girl. They crashed into the waves and were swept up to the beach. Sputtering, Penny tried to free herself from her friend’s embrace, but the brunette was too determined to deny.
“Sandra, what are you thinking?” Penny shouted over a sudden blast of wind.
“We’re here for an adventure, and now we’re finally having one!”
“You’re crazy!”
“I know!”
They laughed together and the wind blew another wave at them and then the rain lightened just enough to see the beach. Palms and mangroves shaded their hut and white sand spread out along the sea in either direction. The hut's lights winked at them between the raindrops. Sandra would not let Penny go, so Penny held her back. She smiled and set her head on Sandra’s shoulder. The brunette girl shoved her away.
“What am I thinking?” she said. “I shouldn’t give you any kind of hope for blossoming romance between us!”
“I’ve been watching you shower, you know,” Penny scowled at her.
“I watch you, too! You’re sexy, you know, I can understand why guys look at you and why other girls would want to date you!”
Sandra stood and yanked Penny to her feet. She put her arm around Penny’s shoulders and they set off down the beach as the rain continued to lighten. Penny kept her arms down, trying to force her soaked sundress to cover her panties and thighs again. She glanced at Sandra. The brunette walked along oblivious to the amount of skin her swim revealed.
“I promised I wasn’t going to try anything weird with you on this. I don’t think it’s romantic.”
“Why’d you put your head on my shoulder like that?”
“Did you want me to lean in and try to kiss you instead?”
“Ew, no!” Sandra laughed.
“I’d have loved it if you tried it on me!”
“I’ll bet you would have! I’d make a remark about us being like sisters but I know what your response would be, you pervert.” Sandra laughed again.
“You make it sound like a bad thing.”
“I don’t! I love it. I’m glad you’re in my life. I’m glad I went out with Clark and that made me get closer to you. I won’t be able to react that same negative way I did towards you when I meet my next gay person. Thanks to you.”
Penny’s eyebrows rose as she gazed up at Sandra.
“For real. I’d never met anyone like you before, even, hilariously, on my softball teams. I barely know anyone who’s not a white person living in boring suburbia. You must know loads of interesting people.”
“More than you know…”
“Oh! A loaded statement! You must tell me!”
Penny swallowed hard and glanced around. Rays of the sun’s warm light peeked through the continuing rain.
“I won’t make you tell me. Friends don’t do that to each other. I won’t make you do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
“Thank you.”
“And I can tell just by looking at you that you return the sentiment.”
“Of course!”
“That doesn’t mean we’re not going skydiving. I’m pushing your boundaries as far as I can!”
“You were already doing that by showering in front of me…”
“I love showing off. I heard from Leah that Maddie loves teasing you. I can tease you, too. And then you get back at me by teasing me in return. It’s fair!”
“That’s so weird. You said you were hazed by softballers in the shower.”
“I was. They used…”
Sandra’s mirth left her eyes and she glanced around. The beach was clear from one end to the other, the sand was packed hard by the rain beneath their feet. The servants living on the island were nowhere near the beach. Sandra sighed and leaned heavily against Penny, resting her cheek on top of Penny’s head.
“They used little toy softball bats to penetrate us. Some of the girls bled, because, well, you know. I can’t say it out loud. I didn’t, because I already went through that on my own after we went through sex ed class in sixth grade.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. Then they forced us to clean them with our…” Sandra took a deep breath. “They forced us to clean their privates with our tongues. Then they lined us up and ranked us, I mean, our looks, like we were going to be auctioned or something, it was so gross. I haven’t actually told anyone this. I mean, none of the details. I kept them all to myself for years and years now. Please forgive me. I’m so sorry to dump this on you, especially after what you’ve been through.”
“Don’t worry about me, I worry about you! If you haven’t told anyone but you’re telling me, well, I think it’s probably good that you can tell someone you trust about it, neh? Right? I won’t tell anyone else.”
Sandra nodded and squeezed Penny.
“It was so, so gross. I was crying before it was over. The bat thing hurt, the tongue thing was just… Ugh. They said they were making us grown women, but I I haven’t been able to get over the idea that all they were doing was spoiling us.”
“You’ve been with Clark, neh? Did it make, you know, intimacy with him difficult or painful for you?”
Sandra sighed. She tried pulling some hair from her face, but the rain continued spattering down on them and she gave up. Penny looked up at her and Sandra’s eyes turned glassy.
“You make me wish I could be attracted to you. You’re so easy for me to talk to. And I know I do a lot of talking while we’re together, but if you have anything to say you know I’ll listen to you, too, you know? I never thought I’d feel this way about a girl, about a fucking lesbian, no less! But you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. If me and Clark get back together after we get back I know I’ll be able to trust you to never suck his dick behind the garage during a party!”
Penny laughed. “That’s a very specific thing to expect me to never do!”
“Another wild Sandra Story, but for another time! Let’s get back to the hut. Maybe we can have some lunch and then spend the afternoon exploring the island.”
“A great idea! Even though it’s still raining we should still see what we can!”
Sandra and Penny laughed together and raced back for the hut. After a quick shower and a change of clothes they were ready to finally begin their adventure.
***
The floor was hard and the sleeping bag offered little comfort for Lin. Delaney lay snoring on her folding sofa-bed and Lin hated how much she loved the sound. The soft snore matched her soft voice and when she closed her eyes she could see the redhead’s beautiful face glowing in the moonlight. Only there was no moonlight. The curtains were drawn closed and the only thing she could see if they were open would be the boys sharing the house across the way. She yawned and flopped over to her other side and read the most recent text from Andi.
She hates me…
Lin wanted the phone across the room, away from her. Just like Andi, so far away. And getting farther. While she gritted her teeth at the way Andi had chosen to make Lin’s friendship with Del into an issue, it was a speck of dust before the boulder that was the love Lin refused to admit she felt for her new friend.
I hate her, too…
Del’s breathing caught and she shifted somewhere up on that sofabed. After a moment she was snoring again. Lin sighed and glared at her phone. Andi loved her. She loved Andi. And yet, neither sentiment felt true any longer. It was unfair. Either of them could have chosen to follow the other. But they had separate goals, so they made a plan. They promised each other. They could make it through. The distance was not so far. But already, only a semester in, and Lin was wondering if it was even worth it.
We have almost nothing in common…
Andi made fun of her paintings. They were amateurish. Lin was “learning” from people with low ambition and less innovation at a backwater college in an isolated town with a bunch of other people who would in turn become backwater nothings when they graduated. And worse yet was how the University was saddled with the fascists at the Institute on the same campus. Lin had chosen poorly and Andi never let her forget it.
We’re drifting apart…
Music, movies, TV shows, video games, books, anything Lin liked was childish, immature. Lin had no refinement. Lin had no taste. Lin had no appreciation of life’s finer things. Lin was not well-read, and the books she did read were all wrong. Or stupid. Lin was a child continuing on as a woman-child and the University was doing nothing to help her.
It feels even worse knowing that I feel better here than I would down there…
Andi’s mom was even disappointed in Lin. Why was Lin not home for winter break? Why had Lin even chosen that school up there? Was Lin so selfish she could not see how other people wanted to see her? Perhaps that was it, Lin was too selfish to give her time to them, to Andi and her family. Too selfish to listen to their unasked-for advice, too stupid to take it even after it was offered. A stupid, selfish girl to whom Andi did not deserve to be chained.
Del is the best thing that ever happened to me…
Even throughout high school Andi had tried to change Lin. She cut Lin’s hair. She dyed it. She bought her clothes. She made her watch “films” and “cinema” (rather than enjoy “movies”) and subjected her to a series of modern composers, each one worse than the previous. Andi walked with her nose in the air. Andi never held her hand in public. Andi rarely indulged Lin’s interests. Andi called her names, laughed at her, brought her home to show off to her condescending family like a new puppy. And Del showed her it did not have to be that way.
But I can’t leave Andi. I promised her. I swore…
Andi’s accusatory messages stopped just short of calling Lin a cheater. Their fight after classes ended finished with a shouting match. Laurie had put her arms around Lin’s shoulders and hugged her and Lin had let her. Lin had even let her roommate see tears. Lin remembered calling Del after that. The redhead took a break from waiting tables to rush back to school and pick her and her backpack up in front of the dorm lobby.
Andi loves breaking promises she makes me…
They were supposed to spend a weekend together in this isolated little city, and then Andi was going to drive them back down to Ohio. And Andi broke her promise, canceled their months of planning in a single phone call, all because Lin had the nerve to make friends. How dare she. How could she do that to Andi. Such a breach of trust. But it did not feel that way. Del never did anything to lead Lin to believe there was anything more than friendship there.
But I would love it if she did…
Lin did not fully trust herself. Each night in Del’s apartment was worse than the one before. Del fell asleep quickly and was soon snoring, and at first it was a delightfully relaxing sound. Then Lin imagined her lying beside Del, imagined feeling the redhead’s warm breath on her cheek. She wondered how soft Del’s body would be, how smooth her skin would feel against Lin’s own. She played out running her fingers through Del’s silky hair, pressing her lips against Del’s, and then she stopped trying to sleep.
I’m a horrible person…
Even if she were to indulge her fantasies, there was no guarantee Del would reciprocate. Del could be horrified, scandalized at being “the other woman.” She could be thinking of Lin as only a friend and nothing more. A sister with whom she could share gossip and a few fun hours of free time. But even if Del returned her feelings, Lin would forever be a cheater. She would always think of herself as unfaithful, as a promise-breaker. Just like Andi.
What if she’s cheating on me?
There was always the possibility Andi had a secret girlfriend of her own. Lin wanted her to have one. It would make it so much easier to truly hate her, to turn on her and break things off, to free Lin to unleash her terrifying love on Del. It would (partially) explain Andi’s sudden broken promise and her reluctance to even see Lin over winter break. Lin turned her phone back on and started typing a message of hate to her faraway girlfriend. Then she erased it and squeezed her eyes shut.
I’m a horrible person…
If only Andi was cheating on her. If only she had broken up with her when they were fighting over the phone, glaring lasers at each other. But Lin had no courage. She knew Andi. As close as she was growing with Del, she did not truly know her, not the way she knew Andi. Del could be an axe murderer in her free time, for all Lin knew of her. But… But she could see Del’s smiling face in her mind. She knew the redhead was genuine.
She would have no interest in a horrible person like me…
Lin slid out of her sleeping bag and went to the bathroom.
I could pack up. She’s a heavy sleeper. She wouldn’t know I was gone until tomorrow morning. I could catch a bus back to Ohio. My parents would wire me money. I could make it just in time for the new year.
She returned to her sleeping bag, but barely had a leg in when Del’s breathy voice melted her will.
“Can’t sleep?” Her words were slurred.
“Just went pee.”
“I can’t sleep either.”
“You were snoring.”
“I was listening to you tossing and turning. Your cell phone’s really bright.”
Lin frowned at her. Del sat up.
“Come up here. It’s way more comfy.”
Lin stayed on the floor, half in her sleeping bag. Del giggled.
“I’m not going to do anything harmful to you. Come here.”
Lin moved out of her sleeping bag but stayed on the floor. She was an arm’s length from the sofabed. An arm’s length away from what her heart wanted so badly it was trying to beat its way out of Lin’s chest to get it.
“I can’t,” Lin said instead.
Del nodded. Lin imagined the sad smile on her face.
“I shouldn’t have done this to you,” Lin said. “I put you in a horrible situation.”
“You didn’t,” Del answered. “I asked you to come over. I love having you here for winter break. We had a great Christmas.”
“Yeah…”
“You miss Andi?”
No. That makes me a horrible person.
“Come here, Lin. Come up here.”
Lin shook her head and looked away.
“If you don’t come up here I won’t be able to sleep. Bring your sleeping bag. I’m not asking you to share my blankets.”
I’d love sharing your blankets. All I want is to be closer to you. And farther from Andi. I hate myself for this…
Lin put her hands on the edge of the sofabed and oozed her way up onto it. Del scooted over and curled up on her side, smiling up at her. Sometimes she wondered if the redhead was simple-minded. The thought made her smile and she curled up facing Del.
“See?” said Del. “Isn’t this better?”
“I still won’t be able to sleep.”
“Then we won’t be able to sleep together. Maybe we can nap tomorrow, then. I don’t have to work until the evening.”
“You work too hard. I feel so…” Lin swallowed a sob. “I feel so screwed-up inside about this. I shouldn’t have put myself in your life like this. This is too complicated.”
“You didn’t make me do anything. You’re my friend, and I love spending time with you. We have so much fun together.”
Lin looked away, but Del’s hand on her side prevented her from turning away.
“You miss your girlfriend…”
Lin shook her head. An honest reaction.
“I’m the reason you fought.”
Lin hesitated and then shook her head again.
“I can tell. I’m so sorry for doing this to you.”
“It’s not you,” Lin said, her face burning at the tortured sound of her voice. “I should have handled things differently. I should have just gone home and dealt with her. Now it’s unfinished and hanging out there and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“We can drive down there. I’ll take you home. You can deal with it then.”
“No. Definitely no. I told her I was staying up here since she wasn’t coming to get me anymore, and I mean to do just that. I’m not going to crawl back to her.”
Del nodded.
Lin took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Del’s hand felt so good. Warm. Comforting. Loving.
“I’m sorry I’ve had to work so much this break. I wasn’t originally planning on having anyone over.”
“I ruined your plan—“
“No! No, you ruined nothing. You made it better.”
Del’s hand moved up over Lin’s shoulder the redhead caressed her face. Lin shuddered and Del pulled her hand away.
“I’m sorry—“
“I’m tired. Let’s just sleep.”
Lin wanted to move away, to do the smart thing and return to the floor, but she opened her eyes and met Del’s crystal clear gaze, her brilliant green eyes almost glowing in the midnight darkness. Her heart jumped up to her throat, trying to force her face forward, trying to steal that kiss that was so forbidden, but Lin’s mind was still in charge.
“I won’t leave you,” she whispered at Del.
“I won’t leave you, either. Except when I have to work. But I’ll always come back to you.”
Lin reached a shaking hand out from under her sleeping bag and the two girls grasped each other’s hands. Lin closed her eyes. She could not look at Del without losing control. And soon, Del was sleeping again, snoring softly in the night. It sounded so much more relaxing up close, and soon Lin was asleep as well, praying that the morning would never come.