The Long Winter #93
On Again Off Again part three
“I’m so glad you decided to come with us!” Maddie said.
“Yeah, me too. I guess I wasn’t really prepared to be up here with, you know, super mega rich people.”
Maddie laughed. She sat on Penny’s bed in a woolen nightgown while Penny toweled herself off after her shower, pleased with the opportunity to be teased for once in their relationship. Penny glanced back at her and smiled and then disappeared behind the wall. She reappeared in her way-too-modest boy short undies and a pale blue camisole and joined Maddie on the bed.
“What’s it like in France?”
“Warmer than here.”
“Have you been to this area we’re going?”
“Yeah, but only once. I’ve never been anywhere near Leah’s villa, or chateau or whatever, but I’ve been to Marseille.”
“Must be nice to be able to visit places like that all the time.”
Maddie giggled. “I love traveling. I’ve been to every continent, but there are still some places I’ve never visited.”
“Like Port Matthew.”
“Never been to Japan, either. The friends I made in Shanghai don’t like either place very much.”
Penny’s smile waned and she nodded.
“One of them stopped talking to me when I told her my roommate was from Port Matthew.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Nah, don’t be. It’s her problem if she can’t handle that sort of thing, not either of ours. I’ll probably never see her again anyhow.”
They talked for a little while longer, making plans for shopping and talking about the great food there was to eat in the area. Penny imagined herself running on the beach each morning while Maddie promised she’d be too drunk on French wine to accomplish such a feat. Then Penny’s phone lit up.
Meet me outside in 5 minutes.
“That’s an ominous message,” Maddie said, draping herself over Penny’s back to read it.
“We have some things to discuss…”
“You should just stay here with me. Ash is right. She’s no good for you.”
“Stay here with you? Are you saying you’d be good for me?”
Maddie gave her a squeeze and then stood up.
“Well, if you’re going to meet her in five minutes you’d better get dressed.”
Penny sighed and let Maddie pick out a modest outfit to don and then she was slipping into her shoes and rushing down the stairs. Her classmates in the common area paid no attention as she passed through, too engrossed in foosball or fireside conversations to notice, and then she was out in the clear winter air. Stars twinkled overhead and her breath was thick and white as it rose from her mouth. Becca’s sporty red car sat idling in the dormitory driveway. She rushed down the sidewalk and got in. Becca glanced at her, put the car in gear, and drove off.
“Where are we going?”
“This way.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“We’ll talk when we get there.”
“Where?”
Becca did not answer and Penny’s stomach turned.
Have I made a mistake?
Just be patient. You’re dressed for a walk if you need to, and you have your “phone” so if you do get into trouble you can get yourself out.
Penny took a deep breath and looked out the window. Snow drifts lined the road, but the pavement was clear and dry. There was little to see beyond the area lit up by the car’s headlights and she shivered despite the car’s heated seat. Becca drove on. She played no music. She said nothing. Her eyes stayed on the road winding away ahead of them. The car gripped the road, its tires tenacious, its engine roaring with life.
“I’ve never been out this way,” Penny said after the silence made her squirm.
Becca did not respond, but she did glance over at Penny. Her hand left the steering wheel and she gave Penny’s thigh a reassuring pat. Then she was driving again, surging ever onward into the darkness.
There were no houses or structures of any type along the road. Penny saw no power lines, no glowing red lights on a radio tower. Nothing but the black sky and stars and snow-covered trees. The road was never straight, leading them ever northward. Ahead a light hung over an intersection. Penny twisted to stare after when they passed, wondering where that led. Then there was a house, then a few more, and a gas station and a sleepy town where everything seemed to be turned off. They drove through the town and, eventually, the road fell down from the hills and turned into winding, snowpacked dirt. The car’s sporty suspension squeaked as it bounced down the slope and around the curves and finally to a big, round dead end just above a snow-covered beach. Becca stopped the car and turned the engine off, plunging them into darkness. She faced Penny across the wide center console.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I overreacted last weekend.’
“It’s… it’s, ano, okay…”
“I know you were upset with me because of it. If you want your things back, I brought them, they’re in a bag behind you. I won’t hurt you anymore.”
Penny stared back at Becca. Her blue eyes shimmered with oncoming tears and her face was earnest and sincere. It had been an ugly fight that night, but sitting there all she could see was Becca’s beauty, all she could feel was her honesty.
“I’m sorry, too,” Penny finally said, her voice barely more than a whisper. “I didn’t mean to make you upset when I talked to Delaney. It’s just, well, we’re over each other and moving on. We didn’t fight or anything when we broke up, I mean, like, you were there, neh? You saw.”
Becca bit her lip and looked down and away.
“And, well, if it’ll make you feel better I won’t talk to her again.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Becca said, looking back at Penny. “I just, I’ve always had kind of, well, kind of anger issues, I suppose. I used to… I went out with… I had a girlfriend in high school before I came up here. It was a rocky relationship and sometimes it seemed like all we were doing was looking for reasons to fight with each other. It was a bad pattern and I shouldn’t repeat that with you.”
“Yes…”
“Plus, being with you, I feel different from how I ever felt before in my life. Better. I think you make me better. I know you make me better. It was hard all this week being away from you. I tried texting you a few times, I mean, I was really pissed off, like, totally, fucking, tear-the-walls-down pissed, so I erased probably 30 or 40 texts last weekend. And I guess I realized after all that anger that being with you, I mean, the entire time we were together I never felt like that. I was making myself feel like that because, well, I’m jealous. You’re becoming too important to me and it felt like death when I saw you talking to her.”
“I’m sorry…”
“No. I’m sorry. I’m…” Becca swallowed hard but her eyes never wavered from Penny’s and her voice remained steady when she continued. “I’m falling in love with you and it’s getting to the point where I can’t see myself moving on without you. If you’ll have me back…”
Penny’s arms reached out without her thinking about it and she took Becca’s hands.
“Oh, Becca…”
“If you don’t want me back, I won’t stop you from going to Miami for your internship. Just, well, I needed to tell you. Face to face.”
Becca did not move. Penny wondered if she was even breathing. Penny’s hand left Becca’s and she touched Becca’s face, then leaned across the center console and kissed her.
“I cried all last weekend,” Penny whispered. “I never wanted anything like this to happen. You’re becoming important to me, too.”
“Oh, Penny. I’m so happy!” Becca kissed her again.
“I won’t flirt with other girls anymore. Especially Delaney.”
Becca pulled back, fake anger on her face.
“So you admit you were flirting with her!”
“No! Well, maybe, I don’t know. My friends think I flirt with every girl, but really all I think I’m doing is being nice. Maybe I should work on myself, too, but I think all I’m really doing is just being nice to people. Even Delaney. Even the waitresses at the dining hall. No one else seems to understand, though.”
“Well, then I’ll be the first. Don’t stop being you, Penny. That’s who I first met. That’s who I’m falling for.”
Penny blushed and Becca kissed her again, longer this time, more passionately, but the car was small on the inside and they could go no further. They shared a giggle when the kiss broke.
“Let’s look at the stars for a while, and then I’ll take you back.”
“Okay.”
Becca turned the car back on to keep them warm but kept all the lights off. They held hands and stared out across the black lake. With no moon the sky was alight with a million million stars, all of them distinct against the inky backdrop of space. It extended out into infinity over their heads, and, joined by the ethereal music Becca called up on her phone, the mood turned magical and romantic. Penny held Becca’s hand and they rested their heads together.
“I’ve never seen so many stars,” Penny breathed.
“It’s really something else up here. After America sort of fell apart there were a lot of people up here who had no choice but to head downstate for the bigger cities. That’s where the food was. I’m glad, though, because it makes this sort of thing possible.”
“Sou, neh, no cities’ lights, neh.”
“Your accent is so cute.”
Penny felt her cheeks glow pink and she giggled.
“I have a dirty request.”
“Anything.”
“Speak Japanese next time we have sex.”
“What? I mean, sure I will, but why?”
“If your accent is this cute, this… arousing, well, I wonder what it’s like to hear Japanese when we’re together that way.”
“Okay. I’ll totally do it. I don’t get to speak Japanese with anyone except Nagisa, and I’m not having sex with her, so this will be fun.”
“Did you and Ayumi speak Japanese when you were together?”
“Yes.”
“How often?”
“Something like half the time, I suppose. I didn’t really keep track. I was busy thinking about other things.”
Becca’s voice turned sad. “You miss her.”
“No—“
“Don’t lie to me, now that we’re reconciling.”
Penny glanced at her. Becca’s expression was hard, but not angry and Penny felt no danger. She sighed and wrestled with the Ayumi-shaped ache in her heart she feared would never go away.
The only time I didn’t feel it was when I was with Sandra…
“With” is probably the wrong word to think when you think about her, Marv said.
I guess. I can’t help it. She made me forget. But maybe now Becca will…
“I do miss her sometimes,” Penny finally said. “She was important. She was the first real girlfriend I had. I mean, I sort of went out with a different friend, but that was only for like a couple of weeks and we and it doesn’t really feel like it counts. But Ayumi really did. That’s why Delaney broke up with me. We weren’t the way me and Ayumi were, and seeing the two of us like that, well, you know. You saw it, too.”
“It was pretty shocking, for sure. But I guess I knew before we finally started dating so that doesn’t bother me.” Becca laughed. “It gets at my competitive side. I’ll make you forget about her.”
“I hope so.”
They kissed again, losing themselves in the infinity of space…
Follow The Long Winter into #94 le Cote d’Azur part one here.