The Long Winter #87

Art School Girl part one

“…yes, I know. Bye, mom, I love you too.”

Penny smiled at her mom’s face and the phone blinked off. She set it aside and rolled over her bed. Her mom had had too many questions about her relationship with Gwen. They weren’t spending too much time together, were they? She wasn’t bothering the professor, was she? Saying inappropriate things? Making inappropriate contact? Penny wanted to laugh but there was still some part of her that remembered the wine they shared on the hearth in front of the fireplace the previous fall.

She had not told anyone she might have a tiny little crush on her professor—

My professor! I shouldn’t.

Why not? Professor Fairchild is extremely attractive. And she seems to really like you. What’s wrong with an innocent crush?

Because it’s not so innocent…

Innocent enough. And nothing’s going to happen. Just enjoy it.

Only Marv knew, or at least her thoughts dressed up as Marv. Sandra seemed to have figured it out, and Penny denied it, of course, but her friend saw right through her. Penny was clear as the stunning sea waters surrounding San Mateo to her (sadly now absent) friend. But it was nothing to act on. Nothing anyone else needed to concern themselves with. Penny was seeing Becca, after all. They were girlfriends, officially, with plans to move in together.

Then why do I feel like I’m settling?

It was not settling. It’s not! The older girl was strong and outspoken. She drove a sexy car and wore sexy clothes. And Becca was the last thing she thought of when she went to sleep and the first thing she thought of when she woke up.

Except when Gwen was. Like this night.

Penny rolled off her bed and wandered into her bathroom for her shower. She sometimes felt wasteful, taking two showers a day, but it just did not feel right going to bed without washing the day off of her.

I should work out in the evenings again.

You didn’t like it before.

That was when it was the only time Sandra was free. And I’ve had enough of study groups. I don’t need to use them to hide from anyone.

You use them to be closer to Leah.

Penny sighed as she turned the water on. It was quickly hot and she stepped in and began washing. Again.

She’s becoming closer to Nagisa.

You are, too. Nagisa seems really nice.

Yeah, I guess. It’s nice being able to speak Japanese with someone again. There aren’t many other Japanese people at the Institute.

There’s Professor Tanaka.

He’s from Atlanta.

There’s Yuto.

He’s a slob. AND he’s friends with Lyle. I hate Lyle.

Everyone hates Lyle. He hates all of you, too, so it’s mutual.

She thought about Professor Fairchild—Gwen—as she soaped herself. Would Gwen ever be so kind as to help her wash her back? Would Gwen ever let her fingers trail too close to places they were not supposed to? Penny shivered at the thought, a thought made all the more enticing due to how forbidden it was.

She jerked herself out of her daydream and rinsed and stepped out of the shower. She was almost back there. On the hearth. Gwen close, so close. The glass of wine in her hand, the rim touching her lips. So close Penny could feel how warm she was. No. How hot.

Penny scrubbed her hair dry, trying to drive out the thoughts. She had another date with Becca that weekend. She could not ruin this relationship just because she had a schoolgirl crush on her teacher, on someone who had changed her diapers in the past, no less. She wanted to fall hopelessly in love with Becca, to fawn all over her, but when she closed her eyes it was Gwen she saw, Gwen her heart beat for, Gwen she would think about when she mastur—

“No.” Penny threw the towel on the rack and sulked back to her bed. She would not be thinking of Gwen when she fingered herself that night.

Because I’m not going to finger myself.

You are.

Shut up, Marv!

Just do it. No one’s going to think any less of you.

Yes, they will. Sandra still teases me when we call each other.

That’s because she’s getting as close to you as Kari. Which brings up a new idea. Why don’t you fantasize about Sandra?

No. I can’t. I won’t do that to her. I won’t risk developing feelings for her that might ruin our friendship.

You have them anyway.

And I won’t develop them. Next idea!

Delaney.

Penny sighed and turned off the light. She wrapped herself in her blankets and shoved her hand down between her thighs.

Okay.

And Gwen. At the same time.

Penny giggled to herself. In the end, she was fantasizing about her professor. But only just fantasizing…

***

“I didn’t know you liked art,” Becca said.

They stood in front of a huge painting, something that, if it were on the wall directly, could be called a mural. It was the city as viewed from the harbor, each little building painted with love and care and in great detail. When Penny leaned in and squinted she could make out the forms of people wandering the streets and parks along the waterfront on the warm summer day depicted in the vast painting.

“I can see your house from here,” Penny said. “Oh, look! You’re naked on your balcony!”

“Shut up, Penny!” Becca laughed and pulled her away from the painting. “We have others to look at.”

“But I like that one—“

“You like all of them.”

“That one has you naked in it!”

“Come on, you little perv!”

Becca laughed again and they walked through the gallery arm in arm. Becca’s high-heeled shoes clicked on the hardwood floors, a sound that was lost in the cacophony of people talking and laughing and clinking glasses. Penny looked over to see a man in a black shirt and a beret pluck a cocktail weenie from a tray while a woman he was with sipped a glass of white wine. Both had their noses in the air, held as if they were afraid of smelling those around them. Most others looked far more normal to Penny’s naïve eyes. Men in button-up shirts and slacks. Women in evening dresses in all colors, but mostly black, more than half of them in heels. Penny had seen the disappointment in Becca’s eyes when she sat down in the car. She did not wear strappy heels or a short, tight skirt because it was freezing out and everything was covered in snow. But her shoes were nice enough and she had warm black stockings to keep her legs from being frostbit. Becca said nothing, putting a smile back on her face and leaning across the wide console to kiss Penny and then they were off: dinner downtown in a dim little place lit only by table candles that served dainty dishes of French food, and then a short walk to the gallery that Becca braved in her (non-strappy) heels and thin tights without complaint. Then they were inside surrounded by older, more professional-looking people and other assorted snobs and Penny felt like a child.

Penny stopped watching the people. There were all manner of paintings on display. Several local artists from a collective not far away had their work on display at the fancy gallery, as well as several University students.

“Lin Shan…”

Penny stopped at a painting of a young girl playing on a swing. It was sunny and bright, the little girl in a yellow dress and the grass so green Penny could almost smell it.

“Come on, there are other paintings—“ Becca appeared at her arm, giving her a light tug but Penny stayed put.

“I like this one.”

Becca stopped and stared at it for a moment, then turned to give Penny an annoyed, impatient frown.

“It’s cute. Come on.”

Penny did not move, keeping her eyes on the painting despite the pressure Becca exerted on her arm.

“Let’s go.”

“Why? I like this one. I want to look at it a while longer.”

“Why? It’s just some girl playing. Come on. There are more interesting things to look at.”

Penny nodded. She looked at the name again.

“Why does the name “Lin Shan” sound familiar?” she muttered, only half to herself.

“Who knows? She’s part of the University exhibit, she’s just some student—“

“Because she’s going—“ Penny looked at Becca. “Okay. Let’s move on.”

“Uh, okay.” Becca pulled Penny away even as the half-Asian girl continued to look back at the painting. “What were you just saying? Where’s this Lin Shan going? The painting was just okay. She’s going nowhere fast.”

“She’s going places, it was a cute painting, it’s a shame you couldn’t see it.”

Becca responded with a bitter laugh and strode on ahead of Penny. Penny blinked at her back and then shrugged.

Well, if she’s going to leave me behind for liking that painting…

Go back to the one you liked. She’ll know where to find you, Marv answered.

Penny returned to the painting.

Lin is that girl Delaney was hanging out with at the party.

She may have been hanging out with this Lin, but she was flirting with you.

Yes, until Becca showed up. I wish Ash liked her more.

Well, to be honest she is a little sensitive sometimes.

Like right now, neh? It’s fine. She always comes back for me. And we have big plans for the summer.

That lab in Miami is a big deal. You almost seem like you’re using her…

I’m not…

But Penny cast a cautious look over her shoulder. Becca was nowhere to be seen. Nowhere she could overhear the thoughts running through Penny’s head.

If I’m with her I can forget about Gwen. If I’m with her I can go to Miami and work in that lab. If I’m with her it hurts less that Sandra’s gone.

Sandra will be back.

Penny sighed and turned away from the painting—

“Delaney!”

The auburn-haired girl blinked in surprise then put an uncertain smile on her face.

“Oh, Penny. How nice to see you here.”

“Yes, so nice. What brings you to an art gallery? I didn’t know you were, well, artsy.”

“I didn’t know you were.”

“I guess there were many things about each other we never discovered.”

They giggled together.

“I’m here with Lin.”

“Lin?”

Delaney pointed at the painting of the girl. “She painted that.”

“Oh. Yes. I saw her name. I guess I sort of knew, but… Are you two…”

“Together? Yes. For a while now.”

“Oh. Congratulations.”

Delaney nodded and then they were standing next to each other, staring at Lin’s painting. Becca was gone, Lin was nowhere to be seen, and Penny felt she was staring at a past neither girl could forget and did not want to move on from. Penny kept her hands at her sides, surprised at how much she had to struggle to do so. Delaney stood next to her. So close. And untouchable. Unreachable. Not like how she had been in the fall, before disappearing from her life.

“Well, maybe I should go find my date,” Penny managed to stutter.

“Oh, you came with a date, too?”

“Yes, I’m going out with Becca Ford. She’s at the University, too, in a graduate program.”

“How nice.”

Penny nodded and she and Delaney cast uncertain looks at each other. Did Delaney feel that, too? The spark of attraction to the unattainable girl standing beside her? Penny cursed herself for it, for letting her memory light up with images of them together again, like it used to be. Only not nearly like it used to be. Much, much more than it used to be.

“I’ll go find Becca,” Penny said again. But she stayed still.

“Yeah. I should find Lin.”

They nodded together and neither moved. Penny swallowed hard. She was not prepared for this.

Sure, it was fun to imagine her and Gwen last night, but now, standing next to her…

Just go find Becca, like you said you were going to do.

I will. I will.

She could feel Marv chuckle and smile at her and she felt better. She had not done anything wrong, after all. Just stood there next to Delaney for a minute or two. Or five. Remembering how it used to be and missing those days. But only a little. She turned to Delaney and smiled.

“Well, it was nice seeing you, I’m glad you appreciate this painting as much as me.”

“It’s a cute painting. Let’s do this again some time.”

They laughed together again and Penny flitted away, exchanging shy waves with the auburn-haired girl over her shoulder. She rounded a corner and ran right into—

“Becca!”

They bounced into each other and grabbed each other to stay on their feet.

“Jesus Christ, Penny,” Becca glowered at her. “What the fuck were you doing?”

“What? I was just—“

“Come on.”

Becca took Penny through all the people in the gallery and down a hall into the women’s restroom. She locked the door behind them and rounded on the PMer.

“What the fuck were you doing?” she asked, her voice low and angry.

“I was just…” Penny swallowed hard again and her eyes flickered at the door over Becca’s shoulder.

“Look at me. Look at me so I know you’re not lying, you liar.”

“I’m not a liar,” Penny put her hands on her hips and glowered right back at Becca. “I was just looking at the painting, then I felt it was too long so I left to find you.”

“Really. Is that really what you were doing.”

“It was.”

“Then who was that girl? She looked awfully familiar. You two both looked awfully familiar with each other.”

“She’s no one—“ Penny cut herself off as her eyes slid up from Becca’s to the ceiling. She leveled her gaze back at her girlfriend and gritted her teeth. “She’s my ex-girlfriend. The one who dumped me at the party we met.”

“Oh. That one. So you’d rather stand next to a painting with someone who dumped you on the worst day of your fucking life than walk around the gallery with me, the one who helped you that night, the one who’s helping you go to Miami, the one who’s taking you into her bed at night.”

“That’s not fair. You were being weird and impatient—“

“Oh, I was being weird? You mean, weirder than you standing next to your ex-girlfriend and sharing a moment? Weirder than that, Penny Stark?”

“No, I wasn’t—“ Penny paused to clear her throat (and swallow her heart back down into her chest). “It wasn’t like that. It’s not what you’re thinking.”

“I could just leave, you know, if you want to spend your time with someone like her. Someone who couldn’t be fucked to help you on the worst day of your fucking life.” Becca turned and reached for the door.

“No!” Penny caught her hand and pulled her back, pulled her close. “No. Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for anything to happen. Whatever it was with Delaney was over months and months ago. We don’t have any contact with each other. This is the first time I’ve seen her since that party after the semester started. The one, you know, the one where, like, we… like, you took me back to your apartment and we talked and talked and… and had our first kiss.”

Becca glared at her.

“I’m sorry. I… I want to be with you.”

“Really.” Becca’s glare softened.

Penny nodded, then reached up, kissing Becca. Becca’s arms closed around Penny and the kiss intensified. Becca’s hands were everywhere, Penny’s sought out Becca's skin, and they kissed and kissed and more.

Follow The Long Winter into #88 Art School Girl part two here.