The Long Winter #88

Art School Girl part two

It felt too good to be standing beside her again. Lin was gone, disappeared into the middle of a gaggle of other fledgling artists, and Delaney was left to wander by herself. Then she spotted Penny. The half-Asian girl looked so alone standing there, coincidentally in front of one of Lin’s paintings. And before she knew it, before she could think about how bad an idea it was and stop herself before she was seen, before she could force her feet to carry her in a different direction she was there. They were together again. But not really. She was with Lin.

Lin had been scarce in the weeks leading up to the exhibition. Delaney told herself it was because the artist was so busy. There was so much to do, and, as always, not enough time in which to do it. And due to the scarcity of Lin’s free time came lack of affection, and Delaney fought to keep her jealousy under control. She should be proud of Lin, after all. It was a prestigious thing to be invited to join the exhibition, and with her being only a freshman it was all the more important for her to be able to focus on it. And Delaney forced herself to be understanding.

She accompanied Lin to the opening the previous night, wearing the only fancy black dress she had. Once through the doors Lin introduced her to her artist friends and colleagues and Delaney followed her around in an effort not to get lost. People whirled around her, flashes of names and faces she had no hope of remembering, everyone so much fancier than her, so much more knowledgeable of the materials and techniques, and of the personalities involved. She listened as closely as she could, even as they crowded her out and pushed her to the side when it became obvious she had no idea what any of them were talking about. When it was over, at least, Lin reunited with her near the punch bowl and let her drive her back to the dorms.

This was the second night, the night they opened to the public. Lin abandoned her right away, striding across the gallery to throw her arm around the shoulders of a burly man with a thin moustache and a black turtleneck and too-tight red pants. That was the last she saw of her painter girlfriend. Fate led her to Penny’s side after that, and then morbid curiosity dragged her through the gallery to the ladies’ room into which Penny disappeared with a look of distress on her face and Becca’s hand around her arm. They were in there for a long time, and when they emerged their hair looked different and their faces were flushed and they were out of breath.

I should never have let Penny go. But I had no choice. I closed my eyes and I saw her with her high school girlfriend, and I still do. I thought I was going to have something special with Lin. But now she’s gone and I’m alone. Same as always. I should just get used to it. I’ve been alone long enough anyhow…

She shuffled back through the gallery, stopping and looking at paintings without actually seeing them. She listened to an older man with graying hair showering a young female artist with unearned compliments. She was receptive to his words, and they were touching each other before too long. Delaney moved on. She found another older man talking with a pair of students about something they had made together, negotiating a price he could pay them for the privilege of hanging it in the lobby of his business a few doors down the street. It was not too impressive a piece, Delaney thought, just another nonsensical abstract painting. She moved on.

Her feet took her to the food, and she found a glass of wine in her hand. The wine quickly disappeared so she refilled it, drained it, and refilled it again and when she moved away her arms and legs were tingly and her brain was warm and comfortable. She smiled at the paintings she stumbled past, finally stopping at Lin’s painting of the girl in the yellow dress, forcing herself to take only sips of the wine remaining in her glass.

“The wine is shit, you don’t have to pretend like you enjoy it.”

Delaney turned, expecting to find a handsome man with the top button of his shirt undone and his sleeves rolled up, maybe curly blond hair shoved back from his face with disdain. Instead she blinked, frowned past the tall woman in her fancy layered dress and stylish shawl and straight, stop-sign-red hair. But there was no man there, just this stylish, tall woman with long, bright red hair. Then Delaney looked down at the wine.

“It’s shit, girl. Here. Have this, I grabbed it from the back when no one was looking.”

“I’m…” Delaney frowned up at him—her. It was her who spoke, was it not? With that deep man’s voice. And she looked up at hi—her, slowly seeing the wide jaw and Adam’s apple as the alcohol drained from her vision.

“The word you’re looking for is “thanks,” dear.”

“I’m really… I’m not so thirsty anymore.”

“Don’t be a prissy bitch and take the good wine I stole just for you with some grace and humility. That’ll suit you a whole lot better.”

Delaney nodded and took the wine from… this person.

“My name’s Tammy. I got roped into helping with this event this year, and to work with Jenn to get this whole thing set up. Oh, she’s just a darling woman, she does so much for the art community in this backwoods little town. Come with me, I should introduce you to her.” The person stopped and smirked down at Delaney. “I never got your name.”

“Delaney—“

“A pleasure, Delaney. I’m sure you’re enchanted as well. Come now. You look like a budding, nubile, young artist yourself, and Jenn’s definitely someone a budding, nubile, artistic girl like you should get to know.”

“I’m not—“ Delaney took a nervous sip of the wine he—she had given her. “I’m here with Lin Shan. She’s my date.”

“Oh, a date? And a fellow lesbian, no less.”

“Fellow—“

“Don’t waste time thinking about it. You look like you can be put to so many better uses than thinking. Please just tell me you’re not majoring in philosophy.”

Something in Delaney’s head told her this “Tammy” was trying to be funny and that she should laugh, but the man’s voice and ugly face were preventing her wine-soaked brain from properly processing her thoughts. She took another nervous sip of the wine he—she had stolen for Delaney.

“Do you know where Lin is?”

“Nope. Don’t know her—“

“But you’re helping the artists, and you know she’s a—“

And Tammy shushed her.

“What was it I said about thinking too much? You are too precious for such a thing. It’ll only do you harm. Come on. Here’s your wine. Bottoms up.”

Tammy clinked her glass to Delaney’s and she finished it, making a face as it burned its way down her throat.

“Good stuff,” Tammy said, setting her arm around Delaney’s shoulders. “You look like you could use a pick-me-up. I’m just the dame to provide it. Yes, that’s right. You know, I’ve been watching you for the past couple of days. I know you’re not really an artist, given the confused way you’ve been looking at these works, you simply have no eye for it. And Lin? She’s being taken care of as we speak. You’ll need to make other arrangements to get yourself home. No way you’ll be driving. Luckily I have a car parked just out the back, we can be back at my place in less than ten minutes. No one’ll bother us then.”

“No, wait—“

“Ah-ah-ah, no, no, dearie, just follow me. No thinking. I have other things for that pretty little head of yours to do.”

Something inside her felt broken and her stomach heaved up into her throat.

“I have to go to the bathroom.”

Without waiting for his reaction Delaney tore herself free and raced away. The gallery was a blur, people's voices scraped across her brain like broken glass and she was not sure she would make it. She staggered down the little hallway, her arm on the wall for support, and holding everything back she saw her goal. The ladies’ room was unoccupied—

Thank you, God!

—and she slammed the door shut and locked behind her. She staggered to the toilet and the wine all came back up leaving her feeling empty inside and dimwitted upstairs. At the very least, the tile floor was clean and the air still smelled slightly of disinfectant. She waited one more moment to be sure, acid burning her throat and tasting sour and awful in her mouth, and then pushed herself upright and rinsed her mouth out at the sink.

I have to stop drinking so much wine…

She stared up at her reflection in the mirror. All three of them. Of the one she could focus on she saw she looked more or less normal. Nothing to be done for the paleness of her skin, but her hair looked fine and she still liked those cute blouses. She just had to make sure Tammy was no longer out there waiting for her. Tammy and her man hands and manly voice and promise of something to do alone with her other than thinking. She shuddered and her stomach turned again and she retched over the sink. Nothing was inside her to come out and she held on for a moment longer. No way did Delaney want to do anything with Tammy. Not even thinking. She took a deep breath and turned to the door. Lin was out there somewhere. She needed to be found. Delaney left the bathroom.

The exhibition carried on as if nothing had happened. People laughed here and there. The din of constant conversation made her head ache. She floated through the party her eyes looking this way and that not so much for Lin as for Tammy.

Can’t run into hi—HER again. Can’t risk it. Can’t feel her arm on my shoulders. Can’t take the idea of getting wrestled out of here…

Lin was nowhere. What was it Tammy had said? She was “being taken care of,” right? Delaney did not want to—could not imagine what that meant. It was bad enough watching Penny with that evil blonde shark as she swam through the haze of the party. She did not want to even entertain the idea of Lin leaving her, too. But she was nowhere. Vanished. She had been indisposed for the two weeks leading up to the exhibition. Delaney came to a rest near the entrance. She looked out the window. Cars went past, slowly, their taillights chasing them down the street. She felt her stomach rebel as she watched one turn and knew she had to get out. Get home, maybe. Maybe...

Maybe Lin is one of them, somewhere out there being alive while I’m stuck here hoping I’m not dead…

She turned and watched the people drifting past through the gallery. Fancy people, all of them, all dead inside just like her. There was the black turtleneck man in his too-tight red pants. No one even saw her. She was invisible. And no Lin, the only person there she wanted to be noticed by. Rescued by. But thankfully no Tammy. Delaney tried several times to push herself off the window. Her body was leaden and the air the consistency of putty. Somehow she lurched up and she went to pick up her coat. Tammy was right, she should not drive back home. She pulled it on, it was so heavy, as though the lining was replaced by lead, and struggled to put the zipper together.

Something behind her tugged at her ear. The zipper would not go in right. The exhibition was quiet, almost silent, she had long since stopped paying attention to it, it hurt on her brain so much. Something familiar was definitely coming up behind her. If only she could get the zipper right. Then she could turn and see what it was—

“Del!”

Lin’s hand landed on her shoulder and pulled her around to see her face.

“Jesus, Del, I was calling you for, weren’t you paying attention?”

“I was paying attention all night, but no one was paying attention to me.”

“What are you talking about? What's wrong? Were you drinking again? Are you drunk?”

“I’m going home. Enjoy the rest of your exhibition. You don’t need me here.”

“That’s not true. You had such a good time last night. We were together the whole time.”

“I was there, but it didn’t matter that I was. Goodbye, Lin.”

“Del, wait—“

Delaney stepped out into the swirling winter wind and shuffled down the snow crusted sidewalk.

“Del! Wait!”

She pretended not to notice this time, keeping her head down as her hair flew about her face.

“Del!”

Lin grabbed her arm and spun her around again.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I just want to go home.”

“Why?”

Delaney shook her head. For some reason she was crying, everything was watery and she was sniffling. She released her coat and let it hang open. It was not cold anyhow.

“Come on, let’s get you back inside—“

“No! You go back inside! I’m going home! I don’t want to go to that stupid exhibition ever again! Everyone thinks I’m stupid, I don’t fit in with them! I have no talent! I’m worthless. I’m worthless.”

“No, that’s not true at all—“

“It is. Please let me go home. I just want to go home. I’m so tired I want to go home I want to go home.”

And Del was a blabbering idiot, she was always a blabbering idiot when she drank wine and she knew without thinking about it she would wake up in pain yet again. She stumbled away from Lin, put her hand on a building for support and slipped and crashed to the ground. She wrestled her nausea back under control as Lin struggled to help her right herself.

“I’m a terrible girlfriend,” Del blubbered. “Leave me. I don’t deserve you.”

“Come on. I’ll get you home and washed up. Come on. Give me some help.”

“I’m worthless. I’m worthless.”

Delaney hung from Lin’s shoulders and they staggered down the road and then up the hill to Del's neighborhood. Lin promised to go back to get her beat up old car after she helped her to bed. She promised to take care of her the next day, and promised to never leave her alone again, never to ignore her and eventually Delaney stopped crying although she knew not where they were. She muttered about Tammy, about being accosted by the woman who was not really a woman.

“I’m so stupid. So worthless. I drank the wine. I drank the wine. I feel sick…”

But she did not throw up again. She did not do much of anything and felt almost nothing as her night came to a close.

Follow The Long Winter into #89 Art School Girl part three here.